Chuck Norris a modern day legend?

What is the deal about Chuck Norris these days?

I have noticed profiles and groups on various sites that are nothing short of a sarcastic homage to this man. The problem is the people who start these things sarcastically state that the sarcasm isn't true, that Chuck Norris is freakin' awesome!

This is how trouble starts.

Two hundred years from now, there will be a statue or ten erected to this man just because of these goings on.

How many other cases throughout history are due to the blowing out of proportion the deeds and words of men and women?

Joseph Heller, the author of such books as Catch 22, and Closing Time, also wrote a book called 'God Knows'. It is the fictional memoirs of King David of Israel as written on his death bed. In them he writes that Solomon was a fool and wrote down everything David said. Everything, even when ordering a meal, Solomon wrote it down. At some point in his life, King David jokingly called someone as wise as Solomon. The person took it seriously and then both he and Solomon were considered wise. Look how that has taken hold! Solomon didn't even think that cutting the baby in half would harm it! He wasn't thinking. He was blunt! Dumb! Clueless!

There's one case. What about people we revere throughout history? Our presidents, athletes, statesmen, authors, and artists all have a blind eye turned to their transgressions, and they eventually, through lack of remembering the bad stuff, become revered! I'm sure there's a kernel of truth if not more to the idea that the Patriots of the American Revolution used a TON of propaganda to curry favor in their war. But it is passed over and forgotten. So be it, no big deal.

But by god is Chuck Norris eventually becomes revered as a direct result from these jokes, I'll be spinning in my grave, and not due to a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris...

Chuck-isms

-• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for acquired and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
- Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

And my personal favorite...

- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.