When Snow Goons Attack

A couple of folks have asked me,

'Dave, why don't you include some of the other funniest things they say?'

Well, I am trying to keep this in the realm of quotes that can almost be used as sayings in everyday life. Well, maybe 'Girls have more delicate heinies' can't be used in most people's everyday life, but I can see the use of said quote being poignant and hilarious on a given evening.

Scene : a lightly smoky local watering hole with Tom Petty, Prince, and 70s southern rock rotating on the jukebox. A group of friends surrounds four tables pushed together with the partially forgotten remnants of a drinking game called 'Josh gets naked' strewn about. Pitchers, four shot glasses with goldschlager, and a few mixed drinks also grace the table top.

Girl 1: Ok, that's a four. I give 6. That means you take 6. Hey you! 6 drinks!
Boy 1: ahh, screw it no one is paying attention anymore.

Boy 2 is kind of paying attention.

Girl 1: Well, we are so take them.
Boy 1: Ok, but you're gonna pay for those.
Girl 1: No I won't! All your cards are used up.
Boy 1: (seductively) There are... other ways to make you pay.

Boy 1 makes a spanking motion
Girl 1 squirms and makes a disapproving face.

Girl 1: You aren't slapping my ass, but (playfully) I might get yours.

Girl 1 throws a wink.

Boy 1: (jokingly upset) Well that's crap. How come you can't be spanked, but I can be?

Jukebox decides to switch to a new song just as Boy 2 speaks up...

Boy 2: Girls have more delicate heinies.

Entire table and part of the bar crowd turn around to the sound of the last sentence. Three fourths of the crowd erupts in laughter. Boy 1 and Girl 1 turn red sheepishly realizing that not only was Boy 2 listening to the conversation, but so were the other three fourths of the crowd.

And....scene.

A guy can have the timing, and the lines, but I must give credit to Mr Watterson for getting the laugh that night.

On to the next book...

'Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons'

- It's no fun to play games with a poor sport.
- Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
- Some people just don't have inquisitive minds.
- Another day, another dollar, another irreplaceable chuck out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime.
- Everybody's a slave to routine.
- It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
- My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
- I don't need to do a better job, I need better P.R. on the job I do.
- We don't attend parties, we just crash 'em.
- Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
- Girls are so weird.
- I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
- They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
- I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
- In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
- It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
- Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous.
- The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
- The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls.
- Any idiot can be famous. I figure I'm more the legendary type.
- I like people to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
- You just can't ever be too careful.
- It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
- Maybe good is more than the absence of bad.
- The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
- Moms and reason are like oil and water.
- I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
- I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'd feel hostile too.
- I think real living is sitting by the fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
- I think grown-ups just act like they know what they are doing.