The End of an Era

When I heard Mr Watterson was going to discontinue writing the Calvin & Hobbes comic, I was broken hearted. Literally. I was terribly upset and was angry, too. That was when I got the Tenth Anniversary Book. It had a bunch of comics already included in the other collections, but also had his commentary with it. Reading this commentary and researching the struggles between he and the conglomerates brought me some understanding, and peace.

I suggest you read the Tenth Anniversary book if you haven't. You might learn some things. Free Wrinkles people!

His final book, It's A Magical World, says goodbye to his creation in a beautiful, thoughtful, and comical way...

It's A Magical World

- The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that is even worse.
- It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms.
- The universe just goes on forever and ever!...(hobbes)...It kind of makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big screaming deal.
- If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun.
- Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
- Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance.
- A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement.
- Of course, a big part of life is horrifying surprise, routines can be comforting.
- Some days, even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
- It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.
- I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
- Waste AND want, that's my motto.
- It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
- Life is full of precluded possibilities.
- When your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
- If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
- It's not summer if your tongue isn't purple.
- Everyone knows it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
- Enmity sells.
- If nobody makes you learn, it counts as fun.
- How can something seem so plausible at the time and so idiotic in retrospect.
- People always assume you're some kind of altruist.
- What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? Or suppose everything matters. Which would be worse?
- When you're actually confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling.
- It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out.
- I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.
- Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.
- I love messing with data.
- There would be more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you.
- It's not an 'attitude', it's a fact.
- Never put the low priorities first.
- In humor, timing is everything.
- To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
- The world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
- When life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and at some lemons of your own.
- I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted.
- Life is too inconvenient.
- I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak. Am I scary or what?
- I gotta get my life some writers.
- My life could stand a lot more pizazz.
- Nobody recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.
- I really hate having things put in perspective.
- We need to start putting prices on the priceless.
- Weirdness always starts at home.
- The problem with new experiences is that they're rarely the ones you choose.
- Earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion.
- What good is originality if you can't crank it out?
- It's hard to feel courageous in loose fitting drowsy bear jammies.
- It's a magical world, let's go exploring.

I hate this game!....I love this game!

' This game is all that is soulless and wrong in the world! I hate it with the red hot passion of a thousand fiery suns! ' - Me

' This is the best invention ever. Forget the wheel or sliced bread, this is the shit! ' - Me

I've said both of these things, or variants thereof, about golf and poker. Both activities have cause me great happiness and great anguish at different times. Despite the disappointments, I stick with them. Pardon the analogy, but I'm like a battered wife who just doesn't get it. I get beaten, hurt and crapped on by these things, but I love them still. Addicted? In love? Brain Injury?

I haven't gambled at table games at a casino in quite a while. The last time I went I lost nearly $100 on the 3-6 poker tables. This isn't all that bad when you look at it, but I consider myself much better at poker than that. Of course, I won the money back right after on the craps table, as per usual, so it wasn't all bad. Because of this particular excursion, I vowed to stay away from poker for a while, except for work get togethers.

Our boss has poker nights as his place every now and again, and I would go there to play, but I was rusty due to inactivity. Now some of the guys at work and I have been getting together a few times here and there to play. I was trepidatious at first, but I've won money four out of the past six times played. I love you, poker....

Last night was one such evening. We got together at someone's house to play for an evening. A couple of beers, a couple of laughs, and a couple of tantrums later (by someone else, not me), I got down to a decision for all my chips. I had Jd 6d. (h=hearts, d=diamonds, c=clubs, s=spades, j=jack, q=queen, k=king, a=ace)
The flop was 9d, 9c, 4d. So I was on the flush draw. I was the short stack left at the table, so I went all in. The other guy had a pair of 8's . The turn came....Ad! Flush baby! The river came...8d! Full house for him! Shit! Poker...you bitch....

We finished the first game early, so we decided to start a second round. I proceeded to knock every person out of the game. The sweetest part was against a friend at work who just that night gloated that I couldn't beat him head to head. Well, a flop comes up 10c, 7c, 4d. I have Kc Qc. So I'm on a flush draw with two over cards. This other guy goes all in. I figure he has top pair. I call. He has Ah 10s. I was right. I end up winning when a King comes on the turn. He got quite upset saying I had no business calling. It was a coin flip! I had him covered and every reason to call! And I won!
Poker, you're my first, my last, my everything....

See what I mean by the ups and downs?

Friday, Kris was in town and we went golfing. This was sadly my first outing this year. Now, I'm not that great at golf. I regularly shoot 95-105 after I've been playing a bit. I don't play as often as you need to get a lot of practice, and I've only played for about 6 years or so. Enough of the excuses.

I start off ok, shots are sounding good, feeling good, going the right distance, but not quite the right direction. I kept pulling the ball to the left, until I get to a dogleg left hole, then I hit it straight. Golf, you motherf***a....

Eventually we make our way to the 14th hole, I', feeling good about my chances because I won the hole before. My honors. I step up and crank the 3 iron shot to within 6 feet of the hole. Sink the birdie putt. SWEET! Only my second or third birdie ever. Sadly. Golf, you're my new best friend.

Now we are down to the last hole, once again I won the hole prior and remember how I did last time I did that, so I'm feeling good...

Scene:

Dave pulls the cart up beside the 18th Tee box, sets the parking break, steps out and chooses his 3 iron. He reaches back and grabs a tee from the wheel. He makes his way up to the tee box and peers down the length of the fairway confidently...

He plucks a ball from his right pocket and pierces the ground with his tee, balancing the ball and rising to take his stance. He swings once just to loosen his back, then approaches the ball. He leans over, placing the club just behind the ball, left foot an inch or so in front of the right to correct his swing, he pauses, breathes in, out, opens his eyes, and begins his backswing...

The swing reaches its apex and he continues the swing quickly and 'gracefully' toward the ball. Contact is made and suddenly his hands feel lighter...


CRACK!
WWWHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
AHH!

I glance up and apparently, according to Kris, jump about a foot in the air when the head of my club comes flying off as I made contact with the ball. A foot in the air and a yelp of some kind. The head of the 3 iron flies about sixty yards skimming the ground the whole way. The whirring noise was more of an interrupted whirring, very Chewbacca-esque. The damn thing sounded like a randy wookie's mating call. I lose complete track of the ball and complete lack of understanding as to what the hell just happened!! I run up and find the head of the club and stare mystified. I didn't finish the hole or the game and just gave up on the day. I didn't find out until about an hour later I left my phone in the golf cart. At that point I just uttered a defeated sigh as Kris chuckled devilishly.
Golf you asshole son of a rarggafargasargrabblemartyugilfiry bastard....


Well, at least I've made some money from the poker to get the club fixed...

Be Patient, It's Almost Over

My Calvin & Hobbes blogs have met with quite a bit of criticism, and a little enjoyment. Well, so long as someone is getting some enjoyment out of them, I say...

On With The Show!!

It's my world, and even I'm scared to be living in it half the time. It's all about what you make of your world, and that is Calvin to a 'T'.

This comic is all about his world, and everyone else is just living in it. His parents don't have names because kids don't see their parents as named individuals. They are dad and mom, period.

Today, I thought of another strange correlation between Calvin and I. Some people at work got to talking about cartoons from when we were younger. I remember being a big fan of Thundercats. It wasn't my favorite, but I watched it for sure. One of my most vivid memories of my own crazy imagination is from taking long drives. Of course a long drive is a relative term at that age. I used to think Faust Park in Chesterfield was lightyears away from our house in South City. The trips to Grandma & Grandpa's in Union, what we called, 'The Country'? That was nearly unbearable for me. So I put my imagination to work. I used to imagine Cheetarah from Thundercats, running alongside the car! She was just doing crazy flips and weaving through traffic, and running over cars, going from one side to the other. My folks probably thought I was a bit out of it, just staring at asphalt....

Mom : ~siiiighhh~ He's doing it again...

Dad : What?

Mom : Staring out the window, jaw agape, eyes darting back and forth.

Dad : Oh yeah, that again. Those child psychology books aren't worth a thing.

Mom : He's your son. (to me) David?

Me : hmmm

Mom : Want a butterscotch?

Me : hmmm

That first part is all guesswork, but I remember Cheetarah and butterscotch discs like they were yesterday.

mmm butterscotch.......

See? I had my feline, and Calvin has his.


There's Treasure Everywhere

- I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
- I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius...nobody thinks I'm a genius.
- Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory.
- You should always save hyperbole until you really need it.
- Once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up.
- If I'm going to get clobbered, I like to deserve it.
- Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
- Love the sinner, hate the sin.
- I'M SIGNIFICANT! Screamed the dust speck.
- God must have a goofy sense of humor.
- I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead.
- Nobody takes responsibility for his actions anymore.
- If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
- My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
- They say the world is a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines...(hobbes)...Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce.
- Nothing in life is ever easy.
- As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
- I can't wait until I'm old enough to 'putter around'.
- Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
- When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
- The more indecisive I am, the faster things get decided.
- A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
- It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.
- I don't care about being accepted, I'd settle for being ignored.
- I though I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.
- Great experiences are even better when they are shared.
- I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
- When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
- I love loopholes.
- Why should I have to work for everything? That's like saying I don't deserve it.
- My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
- Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
- I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.
- I wonder why we think faster than we can speak...(hobbes)...Probably so we can think twice.
- Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem.
- Let's hope bumbling along without a clue is important.

Eight Down, Three To Go...

I was made fun of, called an egotistical bastard, and given kudos all in the same day for something I have worked hard at for quite a while. My vocabulary. I'm sorry I like to use big words, I do not intend to impress, offend, or make others feel stupid. If anything, I like teaching people the big words I tend to use. I really enjoy sharing information. I realize sometimes it may come across as looking down on someone else's intelligence, but honestly, get over it.

I'm not going to stop using big words because it makes people feel dumb. If anything, that will make me use them more! Much thanks for my vocabulary goes to my parents and to Calvin & Hobbes. Everytime I would ask my folks what a word meant, they made me go look it up in the giant dictionary that stood on a pedestal in the living room. Looking back, I don't know many people who would have such a thing in their living room, and am kind of surprised that my parents would be two of them. Worked out well for us kids though.

The other assistant in learning words was definitely Calvin & Hobbes. While I didn't know this at the time, the vocabulary Calvin has is not normal for a six year old. I though I should know all these words he does. Even when I got to be 14 and 15 I still didn't recognize all of the words! One of these days I'm going to make a list of the astounding words Calvin is familiar with. How many people can use the line 'I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul' properly?

Now I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of MY soul and create another list...

Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

- You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
- No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, it's a lousy way to run a universe.
- Not thinking about it won't make it go away, you know!
- No retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no compound eyes, no fangs, no wings....sigggghhhh....
- Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe...and good times are always over so fast.
- My bills always die in subcommittee.
- You can present the material, but you can't make me care.
- I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.
- Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
- I think as long as you suffer for your sins, they don't count.
- Fortunately, I'm the stoic type.
- I've got to stop introducing topics of conversation.
- I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here.
- Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
- The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
- I love the culture of victimhood.
- It's that moment of dawning comprehension that I live for.
- Verbing weirds language.
- One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
- If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
- When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
- A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
- I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life, procrastinating and rationalizing.
- Reality continues to ruin my life.
- Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it feels like.
- If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
- How many boards would the mongols hoard, if the mongol hordes got bored?
- It's a funny world, but not a hilarious world, unless you like sick humor.
- Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.
- A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
- When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster.
- People only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
- Nobody likes us 'big picture' people.
- Everybody hates a literalist.
- Nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
- Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
- Some people just aren't open to revelatory experiences.
- The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
- Tomorrow, we'll seize the day and throttle it.
- Every minute outside and awake is a good minute.
- I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this...(violence on tv)...affects me.
- It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end.

Pardon me for using the term...

Douchebag of the Day Award





Goes to, World Cup ref, Jorge Larrionda.

He called three yellow cards and three red cards during the Italy/U.S.A. match today.

The only cards that should have bene called all day, and most media agrees with me, were the yellow to Eddie Pope and the red to De Rossi for throwing the horribly flagrant elbow into Brian McBride's face.

This guy makes Don Denkinger look brilliant.

Congratulations Senor Larrionda, the award is now being named after you.

Stay tuned for future winners of the Jorge Larrionda Award...

What was with the long books?

Ever have those days where, a week ago, you thought you had nothing going on. Then all of the sudden, there's about eighty thousand things to do?

Sometimes, as the 8th collection of Calvin & Hobbes says, The Days Are Just Packed.

I think that's a big key in a day off or a vacation. It may seem like you have nothing to do, but all of the sudden all those ugly responsibilities rear their heads.

AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So much for those plans of sleeping til noon. Sitting at the computer til 2. Reading til 4. Debating about getting dressed at 5ish. Cardinals watching at 7. Maybe hitting the bar for a drink at 10.

Instead it ends up being more like out of bed by 8 for no reason other than you just woke up. Weighing in for the week by 9. Getting an email that causes you to remember that you need to send about ten of them to others by 10. Dry cleaning by 11. Shoe shopping (not fun when you are desperately searching for size 15 slip on dress shoes for over two months!) by 12. Dropping off a large check for stuff you won't see until August at your soon to be new landlord's by 1. Head home and remember you forgot to hit the bread store, the post office, and the cable company by 2, oh wait, forgot the car wash, make that 3. Finally make it home and start a couple of loads of laundry and sit down for a well deserved break and write a blog....

- The Days Are Just Packed

- I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes.
- Nobody likes my great ideas in action.
- Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.
- Self esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus.
- The secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met.
- I'm related to people I don't relate to.
- The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship.
- It's a crass culture. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows.
- (Some of my)...discussions never go where they're supposed to.
- Childhood is so disillusioning.
- I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
- I think my excuses need to be less extemporaneous.
- Oh, those mischievous planets.
- It's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe!
- I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life....(calvin)...I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
- An orifice is an amusing thing.
- It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
- You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Last minute panic.
- All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once.
- People just don't know a great idea when they hear one.
- That's the whole problem with science. You've got a whole bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
- When you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do today.
- Somehow whenever I ask a question, I end up with a lot of them to answer.
- There's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
- Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business.
- Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
- It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
- Whed you're oder, you dake your sinuses fo granded.
- I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
- Why does the universe always give you the sign after you do it?
- Halcyonity is relative.
- A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
- My penitent sinner shtick needs work.
- Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality.
- Calvin's 'Serenity' Prayer
The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
- I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals.
- When you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
- I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
- The truth will set your teeth free.
- Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
- Denial springs eternal.
- Nobody respects my denial.
- It's not denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
- Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
- Some things don't need the thought people give them.
- My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.

Cool Points

What you see as....



I may see as a different kind of more socially accepted nerd...



Get it? Yeah, I'm one too.


Cool. Rad. Awesome. Fab. Far out. Wicked. Sweet. Dare I even mention the terribly 80s surfer favorite, 'tubular'.

We all have different ways of describing something we are pleased with. And a lot of what one person may be pleased with may seem completely dorky, nerdy, or uncool to another person.

For example, I think someone who is a fan of Prince's music is cool.

And yes, I'm aware that may make me uncool in some of your eyes. I am prepared to deal with that. Sort of. Don't mock me too hard. I'm fragile...

So, why am I musing on the variations of coolness in life? Well, because I am about to do something pretty uncool and try and explain something which I don't even quite understand. Cool points.

What are cool points you ask? How does one earn cool points? Why the hell should I care about cool points? Why am I reading this damn blog anyhow?? Peace, I'm out.



Are they gone?
Ok, now that we got rid of the 'uncool' riff raff, let's get down to business.

'Cool Points' is an extremely loosely defined concept, semi-jokingly defining how much in common I have with individuals. I award cool points when I find something that we have in common. The dorkier, the better, the more cool points awarded. You could have the most cool points ever as one of my friends, but chances are, you are shunned by most of the outside world. So, it may be best for you to not have an abundance of cool points if you wish to still be accepted as normal by the general public.

Speaking of being accepted by the normal public, I know I'm not. That is why I have absolutely no qualms sharing all these dorky things I am a fan of. Honestly I have never actually assigned a numerical point value to any of these things, but they are things I have, in the past, officially awarded cool points for. C'mon, I'm not that big of a nerd. Oh wait, I'm assigning point values now...

Consider yourself a nerd and are deemed to be so by me : 5-10 cool points
We gotta encourage each others nerd-dom. It's the only way we'll survive. No love is as beautiful as nerd-love.

Likes to Argue/Debate intelligently, with random bouts of being comically irrational : 10-15 cool points
It's one thing to like to argue and do it well, that will get you some cool points, but what fun is it if you can't throw someone off every now and again with a completely irrational retort like, 'Oh yeah, well, you smell like a week old tortoise.'

Being a fan of Prince's music : Old stuff (50-100 points), Old & New (150 points)
Who doesn't love Raspberry Beret, Kiss, Seven, Call My Name, Most Beautiful Girl in the World, Pussy Control, Little Red Corvette, Musicology, Cream, Purple Rain, Black Sweat? Only me? Oh, ok, just good to know one can still be unique.

Fan of Cowboy Mouth : varies from 100-2,000 cool points
Just a passing fan, ok that's cool too. Able to sing almost every song they have written and performed live? You sir or madam, are a god or goddess.

Member of the band Cowboy Mouth : Infinity
Sorry, of course this is only open to Fred, Paul, JTG, Rob, Mary, or Sonia.

Have a large vocabulary and know such words as perspicacious, triskadecaphobia, etc:
25-50 cool points
I like big words, especially when I drink. It's not that I'm snobby about it. It's like two people who know a foreign language and like to speak it to each other so other's can't follow along.

Have a large movie quote vocabulary and know things like, 'Jimmy Dolen shake and bake', 'Wolfmen don't got nards', and 'God I love my job.':
2 pts for each movie quote we both know and use
Remember that bit about speaking a different language earlier? yeah, that applies here as well. I have been known to carry entire conversations using only movie quotes.

These are some of the things I have awarded cool points for in the past. That's not to say there aren't other ways to earn them. I also don't always notify people when they receive cool points, so don't be offended if you don't have a score sheet started with me. So to recap, asking to earn cool points is an automatic deduction of cool points. If you ask to discuss cool points and then comically throwing me off the topic somewhere in the conversation by saying, 'I think that the answer to global warming is to just flip over and warm the other side', you are my people.

Tell me there aren't things that you might find in common with someone that doesn't just automatically make them one of your new best friends. That's what this is, just quantified. To quote Calvin, 'If your numbers go up, It means you're having more fun!'

Oh yeah, Calvin and Hobbes fan? Add 30 points...

I'm an Uncle!

Close enough really.

My best friend Aaron and his wife Angie have had a daughter!

Layla Grace was born on the 24th of May, about three weeks early. She must have been an impatient little girl, much like her father. He was a month early when he was born, and hasn't really started being patient since. Actually it will be hard to pin any specific traits of this young child on one parent or the other as they are quite alike. Well, if she becomes neat and orderly, then were goin' with Angie on that, otherwise, its a wash.

As I was shopping for a present for this young wunderkind, I came across some baby clothes that just had your typical duckies, bunnies, and poohs. That's Winnie folks, these were clean clothes.

None of them really spoke 'Aaron' to me, so I thought of a few things that should, and maybe will be printed on baby clothes in the future. These are definitely more to Aaron's, maybe Angie's, and my own sense of humor. Now I've never seen anything like this, maybe I need to go into business and start popping them out. The clothes, not the babies...

- Doesn't play well with other babies.

- I'm dressed and out of bed, what more do you want?

- Goo goo? Ga Ga? I can't form syllables, what's your excuse?

- I have the body of a god, unfortunately it's Buddha.

- (on the onesies with footies) Don't you wish you looked this cute in a full body suit?

- Duct tape may hold the world together dad, but my diapers?

- Eating Disorder. I can't keep from putting my foot in my mouth.

- P.U.! I can't change myself, what's your excuse?

- Consciousness, the annoying time between naps.

- You're paranoid? Try living with a baby monitor.

And my two favorite,

- I survived birth, and all I got way this lousy onesie.

- (for the future, and printed on the butt) How's my crawling? 1-800-GOODGRL

Let's get some iron on letters and go to work!