Cool Points

What you see as....



I may see as a different kind of more socially accepted nerd...



Get it? Yeah, I'm one too.


Cool. Rad. Awesome. Fab. Far out. Wicked. Sweet. Dare I even mention the terribly 80s surfer favorite, 'tubular'.

We all have different ways of describing something we are pleased with. And a lot of what one person may be pleased with may seem completely dorky, nerdy, or uncool to another person.

For example, I think someone who is a fan of Prince's music is cool.

And yes, I'm aware that may make me uncool in some of your eyes. I am prepared to deal with that. Sort of. Don't mock me too hard. I'm fragile...

So, why am I musing on the variations of coolness in life? Well, because I am about to do something pretty uncool and try and explain something which I don't even quite understand. Cool points.

What are cool points you ask? How does one earn cool points? Why the hell should I care about cool points? Why am I reading this damn blog anyhow?? Peace, I'm out.



Are they gone?
Ok, now that we got rid of the 'uncool' riff raff, let's get down to business.

'Cool Points' is an extremely loosely defined concept, semi-jokingly defining how much in common I have with individuals. I award cool points when I find something that we have in common. The dorkier, the better, the more cool points awarded. You could have the most cool points ever as one of my friends, but chances are, you are shunned by most of the outside world. So, it may be best for you to not have an abundance of cool points if you wish to still be accepted as normal by the general public.

Speaking of being accepted by the normal public, I know I'm not. That is why I have absolutely no qualms sharing all these dorky things I am a fan of. Honestly I have never actually assigned a numerical point value to any of these things, but they are things I have, in the past, officially awarded cool points for. C'mon, I'm not that big of a nerd. Oh wait, I'm assigning point values now...

Consider yourself a nerd and are deemed to be so by me : 5-10 cool points
We gotta encourage each others nerd-dom. It's the only way we'll survive. No love is as beautiful as nerd-love.

Likes to Argue/Debate intelligently, with random bouts of being comically irrational : 10-15 cool points
It's one thing to like to argue and do it well, that will get you some cool points, but what fun is it if you can't throw someone off every now and again with a completely irrational retort like, 'Oh yeah, well, you smell like a week old tortoise.'

Being a fan of Prince's music : Old stuff (50-100 points), Old & New (150 points)
Who doesn't love Raspberry Beret, Kiss, Seven, Call My Name, Most Beautiful Girl in the World, Pussy Control, Little Red Corvette, Musicology, Cream, Purple Rain, Black Sweat? Only me? Oh, ok, just good to know one can still be unique.

Fan of Cowboy Mouth : varies from 100-2,000 cool points
Just a passing fan, ok that's cool too. Able to sing almost every song they have written and performed live? You sir or madam, are a god or goddess.

Member of the band Cowboy Mouth : Infinity
Sorry, of course this is only open to Fred, Paul, JTG, Rob, Mary, or Sonia.

Have a large vocabulary and know such words as perspicacious, triskadecaphobia, etc:
25-50 cool points
I like big words, especially when I drink. It's not that I'm snobby about it. It's like two people who know a foreign language and like to speak it to each other so other's can't follow along.

Have a large movie quote vocabulary and know things like, 'Jimmy Dolen shake and bake', 'Wolfmen don't got nards', and 'God I love my job.':
2 pts for each movie quote we both know and use
Remember that bit about speaking a different language earlier? yeah, that applies here as well. I have been known to carry entire conversations using only movie quotes.

These are some of the things I have awarded cool points for in the past. That's not to say there aren't other ways to earn them. I also don't always notify people when they receive cool points, so don't be offended if you don't have a score sheet started with me. So to recap, asking to earn cool points is an automatic deduction of cool points. If you ask to discuss cool points and then comically throwing me off the topic somewhere in the conversation by saying, 'I think that the answer to global warming is to just flip over and warm the other side', you are my people.

Tell me there aren't things that you might find in common with someone that doesn't just automatically make them one of your new best friends. That's what this is, just quantified. To quote Calvin, 'If your numbers go up, It means you're having more fun!'

Oh yeah, Calvin and Hobbes fan? Add 30 points...

I'm an Uncle!

Close enough really.

My best friend Aaron and his wife Angie have had a daughter!

Layla Grace was born on the 24th of May, about three weeks early. She must have been an impatient little girl, much like her father. He was a month early when he was born, and hasn't really started being patient since. Actually it will be hard to pin any specific traits of this young child on one parent or the other as they are quite alike. Well, if she becomes neat and orderly, then were goin' with Angie on that, otherwise, its a wash.

As I was shopping for a present for this young wunderkind, I came across some baby clothes that just had your typical duckies, bunnies, and poohs. That's Winnie folks, these were clean clothes.

None of them really spoke 'Aaron' to me, so I thought of a few things that should, and maybe will be printed on baby clothes in the future. These are definitely more to Aaron's, maybe Angie's, and my own sense of humor. Now I've never seen anything like this, maybe I need to go into business and start popping them out. The clothes, not the babies...

- Doesn't play well with other babies.

- I'm dressed and out of bed, what more do you want?

- Goo goo? Ga Ga? I can't form syllables, what's your excuse?

- I have the body of a god, unfortunately it's Buddha.

- (on the onesies with footies) Don't you wish you looked this cute in a full body suit?

- Duct tape may hold the world together dad, but my diapers?

- Eating Disorder. I can't keep from putting my foot in my mouth.

- P.U.! I can't change myself, what's your excuse?

- Consciousness, the annoying time between naps.

- You're paranoid? Try living with a baby monitor.

And my two favorite,

- I survived birth, and all I got way this lousy onesie.

- (for the future, and printed on the butt) How's my crawling? 1-800-GOODGRL

Let's get some iron on letters and go to work!

Chuck Norris a modern day legend?

What is the deal about Chuck Norris these days?

I have noticed profiles and groups on various sites that are nothing short of a sarcastic homage to this man. The problem is the people who start these things sarcastically state that the sarcasm isn't true, that Chuck Norris is freakin' awesome!

This is how trouble starts.

Two hundred years from now, there will be a statue or ten erected to this man just because of these goings on.

How many other cases throughout history are due to the blowing out of proportion the deeds and words of men and women?

Joseph Heller, the author of such books as Catch 22, and Closing Time, also wrote a book called 'God Knows'. It is the fictional memoirs of King David of Israel as written on his death bed. In them he writes that Solomon was a fool and wrote down everything David said. Everything, even when ordering a meal, Solomon wrote it down. At some point in his life, King David jokingly called someone as wise as Solomon. The person took it seriously and then both he and Solomon were considered wise. Look how that has taken hold! Solomon didn't even think that cutting the baby in half would harm it! He wasn't thinking. He was blunt! Dumb! Clueless!

There's one case. What about people we revere throughout history? Our presidents, athletes, statesmen, authors, and artists all have a blind eye turned to their transgressions, and they eventually, through lack of remembering the bad stuff, become revered! I'm sure there's a kernel of truth if not more to the idea that the Patriots of the American Revolution used a TON of propaganda to curry favor in their war. But it is passed over and forgotten. So be it, no big deal.

But by god is Chuck Norris eventually becomes revered as a direct result from these jokes, I'll be spinning in my grave, and not due to a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris...

Chuck-isms

-• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for acquired and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
- Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

And my personal favorite...

- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

When Snow Goons Attack

A couple of folks have asked me,

'Dave, why don't you include some of the other funniest things they say?'

Well, I am trying to keep this in the realm of quotes that can almost be used as sayings in everyday life. Well, maybe 'Girls have more delicate heinies' can't be used in most people's everyday life, but I can see the use of said quote being poignant and hilarious on a given evening.

Scene : a lightly smoky local watering hole with Tom Petty, Prince, and 70s southern rock rotating on the jukebox. A group of friends surrounds four tables pushed together with the partially forgotten remnants of a drinking game called 'Josh gets naked' strewn about. Pitchers, four shot glasses with goldschlager, and a few mixed drinks also grace the table top.

Girl 1: Ok, that's a four. I give 6. That means you take 6. Hey you! 6 drinks!
Boy 1: ahh, screw it no one is paying attention anymore.

Boy 2 is kind of paying attention.

Girl 1: Well, we are so take them.
Boy 1: Ok, but you're gonna pay for those.
Girl 1: No I won't! All your cards are used up.
Boy 1: (seductively) There are... other ways to make you pay.

Boy 1 makes a spanking motion
Girl 1 squirms and makes a disapproving face.

Girl 1: You aren't slapping my ass, but (playfully) I might get yours.

Girl 1 throws a wink.

Boy 1: (jokingly upset) Well that's crap. How come you can't be spanked, but I can be?

Jukebox decides to switch to a new song just as Boy 2 speaks up...

Boy 2: Girls have more delicate heinies.

Entire table and part of the bar crowd turn around to the sound of the last sentence. Three fourths of the crowd erupts in laughter. Boy 1 and Girl 1 turn red sheepishly realizing that not only was Boy 2 listening to the conversation, but so were the other three fourths of the crowd.

And....scene.

A guy can have the timing, and the lines, but I must give credit to Mr Watterson for getting the laugh that night.

On to the next book...

'Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons'

- It's no fun to play games with a poor sport.
- Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
- Some people just don't have inquisitive minds.
- Another day, another dollar, another irreplaceable chuck out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime.
- Everybody's a slave to routine.
- It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
- My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
- I don't need to do a better job, I need better P.R. on the job I do.
- We don't attend parties, we just crash 'em.
- Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
- Girls are so weird.
- I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
- They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
- I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
- In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
- It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
- Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous.
- The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
- The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls.
- Any idiot can be famous. I figure I'm more the legendary type.
- I like people to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
- You just can't ever be too careful.
- It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
- Maybe good is more than the absence of bad.
- The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
- Moms and reason are like oil and water.
- I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
- I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'd feel hostile too.
- I think real living is sitting by the fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
- I think grown-ups just act like they know what they are doing.

Scientific Progress Does Indeed Make A Noise

Scientific progress does indeed make a noise, the question is, what noise does it make?

Is it the dull thud of an apple knocking someone upside their head?
The KA-freakin-BOOM of an atomic bomb being dropped?
Or is it simply 'Boink'?

'Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink''

- I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big.
- The problem with people is that they're only human.
- You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place...(hobbes)...That's why animals are so soft and huggy.
- It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.

Xmas Eve
On window panes, the icy frost
Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed,
But in our house the Christmas tree
Is decorated festively
With tiny dots of colored light
That cozy up this winter night.
Christmas songs, familiar, slow,
Play softly on the radio.
Pops and hisses from the fire
Whistle with the bells and choir.
My tiger is now fast asleep
On his back and dreaming deep.
When the fire makes him hot,
He turns to warm whatever's not.
Popped against him on the rug,
I give my friend a gentle hug.
Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more.

- Genius is never understood in it's own time.
- Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
- Stupidity produces antibodies.
- It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
- Unless you're a star, you can't please anyone.
- That crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
- All my real skills are undervalued.
- Pander to me!

Mr Watterson's sixth book has a few less quotables in it, but some fun storylines that ran for a couple of weeks each. Always experimenting. Kudos Mr Watterson. Shall we move on to the next book?